The Secret to Independent Play

2 days ago
4 min read

Dear Rebecca,

I love my children and I love spending time with them. I give them attention, play with them, and connect with them. But it is never enough. My kids cling to me all the time and only want to do things with me. But my kids don't give me any space and I don't know what to do. How can I help my kids play by themselves and leave me alone for just a bit?

Dear Overwhelmed,

You are not alone. Every parent in history has felt this way. In fact, in this week's Torah portion of B'haaloscha, even the great Moshe begs God for help: "I am unable to carry this nation alone, for it is too heavy for me" (Numbers 11:14). There is nothing wrong or shameful about admitting that you feel maxed out and need assistance.

The core of this question lies in recognizing that a child's desire to connect with you flows from a deep need for attachment. Children who have spent significant time apart from their parents, such as during the school day, genuinely need to refill their cup of connection. At the same time, they also need to develop the ability to direct and entertain themselves rather than relying on a parent for constant attention and stimulation. Both are true.

Offer Connection Before They Ask for It

It is much easier to meet a need before it becomes urgent. We try to help children fall asleep before they are overtired and feed them before they are ravenous. Connection works the same way.

If your children are constantly seeking your attention, try changing the dynamic. Instead of waiting for them to come looking for you, look for opportunities to connect with them before they ask.

I know this can feel impossible when you have a child whose need for attention seems endless. But if you can catch a moment before they come to you and surprise them with a hug, a quick game, or a short story, you may fill their love tank enough to quiet the constant search for more. It sounds counterintuitive, but a few minutes of proactive intentional connection often saves time and frustration later.

Give Your Child a Way to Hold On to You

Another way to fill your child's connection tank without draining your own is to help them feel connected to you even when you're apart.

Separation is difficult for young children who depend on their parents to feel secure. Consider giving them something that helps them maintain that sense of connection. When my children were little, I kept stuffed animals on my bed so they would pick up some of my scent. At bedtime, I would ask my children to take care of Mommy's animal until morning. They couldn't hug me all night, but hugging something that belonged to me helped them feel connected and safe.

Before your child heads off to preschool, you might let them wear Dad's cap or point out that you're both wearing the same color shirt. Throughout the day, they can look at their shirt and remember how much you love each other.

After Connection, Let Go

Once you've initiated connection and spent some time together, it is completely appropriate to move on with what you need to do, even if your child feels bored, frustrated, or disappointed.

Part of growing up is learning how to tolerate those feelings and discover the creativity and resourcefulness that emerge on the other side of them.

Part of being a parent is learning to be okay even when your child isn't feeling okay. Your child may be cranky and bored, but you don't need to allow them to whine to you or hang off of you. Their mood shouldn't ruin your mood.

Practical Suggestions for Boredom

Stock your house with open-ended materials such as empty notebooks, art supplies, popsicle sticks, clay, glue, and colorful pens and markers.
Instead of immediately solving your child's boredom, buy some time. Tell them you'll be available to help in ten or fifteen minutes. Set a timer if necessary to ensure they leave you alone for the proscribed time. Often, they'll come up with their own ideas before then. And if not, a few minutes of boredom is not a tragedy.
Avoid using screens as the cure for boredom. Screens provide entertainment from the outside rather than helping children develop it from within, often leaving them feeling even more restless afterward. If you choose to allow screen time, consider saving it for after periods of creative play.

Get Help

Last but not least, don't shy away from bringing in reinforcements.

As God told Moshe, "Gather for me seventy men from the elders of Israel... and they will carry with you the burden of the people, and you will not carry it alone" (Numbers 11:17).

Perhaps a local teenager can come over once a week to take your children to the park or ride bikes with them. Consider hiring a neighborhood child as a mother's helper. Even young children can be wonderful playmates for younger siblings, tossing a ball back and forth, playing games, or reading stories together.

And when your husband is available to take over bedtime, don't be afraid to take some time for yourself. Every mother needs an occasional getaway, even if the farthest you travel is to your bedroom. Bring your dinner into your room, put on some music to drown out the household noise, and give yourself permission to rest and recharge.

God's response to Moshe contained a message for parents as well. We are not meant to carry every burden alone, nor are we meant to solve every problem for our children. Sometimes our job is to offer connection. Sometimes it is to step back and allow growth. And sometimes it is to ask for help.