When Your Child Complains About Everything
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
Parshas Naso
Numbers 4:21-7:89
Dear Rebecca,
My ten year old daughter is so negative. She complains about what she doesn’t have that others do and isn’t happy with the good things she has. Her negativity is draining and leaves her, and those of us who have to listen to her, often unhappy. What can I do to help her stop complaining and start seeing the good in her life?
A Mom Who Is Tired of Complaints
Dear Mom,
It is very exhausting to feel like you’re the complaint department, open 24/7 for negativity. You probably feel that your daughter’s negativity is sapping you of joy and strength, as negative emotions can be draining. The good news is that there are things you can do to help your daughter learn to see the positive side of her life. But this won’t happen overnight, so I also want to give you strength to keep going without feeling depleted by her negativity in the short term.
Temperament
First and foremost, please know that your child’s negative view of the world is likely a reflection of her inborn personality. While we all have free will and the responsibility to continually work on ourselves, as we’ll discuss in Part Two, it is simply a fact that some people are born seeing the cup as half-empty, while others are born seeing it half-full.
Your daughter’s dissatisfaction with her life is not an indictment of you or the life you are giving her. It is not a reflection of your parenting, and it should never be the rubric by which you evaluate yourself as a mother. She was created by her Heavenly Father with a nature that tends to focus on what she lacks over what she has. This trait isn’t immutable and it isn’t a failing. It is simply the package she was born with and an indication of one of the growth opportunities God has prepared for her life.
I encourage you to download and print the free guide I prepared for mothers, Understanding Your Child's Temperament, which will help you recognize your child’s inborn nature and brainstorm ways to help her grow and flourish from that starting point.
Once you understand that this trait isn’t a reflection of you or your parenting, you will be able to stop feeling so triggered by her complaints. You’ll simply be able to shrug your shoulders, at least internally, and accept her words without accepting their implied judgment or heaviness. This is simply her nature.
However, that doesn’t mean she can’t change, and it doesn’t mean you can’t help her change. Keep reading for Part Two!
Contagious Positivity
If only there were a button we could press to magically reset our children’s personalities, our job would be much easier. The truth is that changing the negative way your daughter sees the world into a more positive viewpoint is not something you can do for her or compel her to do herself.
Don’t stop reading! Just because you can’t directly change your daughter does NOT mean you’re helpless to effect change. All it means is that you’re first going to work on changing yourself and creating an environment of positivity for your child to absorb.
In this week’s Torah portion, Moshe is told to teach the sons of Aharon the priestly blessing, which they will in turn bestow upon the Jewish people. To this day, descendants of Aharon bless the nation with these exact words every day.
Speak to Aharon and to his sons, saying, In this way you shall bless the children of Yisra᾽el, saying to them,
The Lord bless thee, and keep thee:
the Lord make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious to thee:
the Lord lift up his countenance to thee, and give thee peace.
And they shall put my name upon the children of Yisra᾽el; and I will bless them.
Numbers 6:23-27
Translation courtesy of the Koren Jerusalem Bible
If you look closely at the first verse, you will notice that the final words seem superfluous. Why does God repeat that Moshe should speak to Aharon and his sons, saying to them what has already been said?
The 16th century Torah teacher Rabbi Shlomo Ephraim of Luntschitz, commonly known as the Kli Yakar, teaches a profound lesson. These words, “saying to them,” are not directing the priests to speak to the people. Rather, these words refer to the priests themselves. The words of the priestly blessing must first be said to them, the priests, before they can then channel the blessing onward to the nation.
Why must the priests receive the words of blessing themselves before blessing the people? Quite simply, because the only way to share blessing with others is to be blessed yourself. The descendants of Aharon are commanded to bless the people, but before they can do that, they themselves must be saturated with blessing so that the blessing naturally overflows from them onto the congregation. Before they can bless the people, blessing must first be said to them.
And this insight holds the answer to your question. While you are unable to directly effect change in your daughter’s worldview, you are absolutely able to increase your own awareness of the blessings in your life and the gratitude you feel for them, and that positivity will overflow to the people around you, ultimately impacting your daughter too.
I encourage you to begin casually expressing gratitude both to other people and to God for the little blessings in your day.
Thank you God for opening up this parking space for me right when I got here.
Thank you husband for bringing in the mail today.
Thank you, cashier, for loading the grocery bags into my shopping cart.
Thank you, dear daughter, for holding the door for me.
You can also introduce a new routine into your family where, at the dinner table, each person takes a turn sharing one small thing that brought them joy that day or one thing they’re grateful for.
These changes shouldn’t feel dramatic or pointed. Ideally, your daughter will have no idea that she is your intended “target.” Instead of focusing on her, you’re simply working to build a culture of gratitude and positivity in yourself and in your home.
Change won’t happen overnight, but it will happen because positivity is contagious.
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