Parental Decisions: What I Wouldn't Have Done Differently

Over the Passover holiday, my older children and I read Born Lucky: A Dedicated Father, A Grateful Son, and My Journey with Autism by Leland Vittert. It’s a memoir tracing Leland’s journey from a deeply painful childhood to his career as a national cable news journalist, made possible through the unwavering support and determination of his parents.

After we finished the book, my nineteen-year-old son asked me a thoughtful question: Had I reacted to any part of the story with a different perspective on Leland’s parents’ choices? Was there anything they did that I disagreed with, or any situation I would have handled differently?

My answer was swift and unequivocal: not once, while reading the book, did I consider what I might have done differently.

As I explained this to my son, I realized that this truth sits at the very heart of my beliefs about parenting, especially when it comes to raising challenging, intense, or sensitive children.

There is simply no room for judging another parent’s decisions. Each child, each parent, and each family unit is profoundly unique and complex. Parenting is not a formula or a recipe with universal steps. It is a deeply sensitive, dynamic relationship; one that is specific to each child and each family.

At Jewish weddings, we bless the bride and groom that their marriage should resemble that of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. At first glance, given everything that unfolded in that fateful garden, this blessing can seem puzzling.

But ancient Jewish wisdom teaches that Adam and Eve shared a unique quality, one that every couple since has had to work to recreate: a complete sense of privacy, autonomy, and independence. There were no other couples to compare themselves to. They didn’t look over their shoulders wondering how others handled their challenges, or measure their relationship against anyone else’s.

Their family unit stood entirely on its own and we invoke their marriage as a model because, in truth, every marriage must do the same.

This isn’t to say that we can’t or shouldn’t learn from others, seek guidance from mentors, or turn to trusted friends for advice. Of course we should. That support is both necessary and valuable.

But after the conversations end, after we’ve listened, reflected, and considered, each family must ultimately stand on its own, making decisions that feel right for them, regardless of outside opinions.

When God entrusts a child to a mother and father, it is with the knowledge of His infinite wisdom that this couple has the potential to give that child exactly what they need to grow and develop.

(Yes, there are those who tragically squander that responsibility. Human beings are granted free will, and sometimes the results are devastating. Not every parent does what is best—but every parent holds the potential to be exactly what their child needs.)

Loving, committed, emotionally healthy parents are, by definition, the people best positioned to understand and respond to their child. They hold both the responsibility and the power.

This doesn’t mean parents don’t make mistakes or look back with regret. Honest self-reflection is essential for growth, and parents are no exception.

But no one outside a family has the standing to pass judgment on their decisions. Even the wisest outsider cannot fully grasp the subtle dynamics, the shared history, the nuanced relationships, or the countless unseen details that shape a parent’s choices.

It can be deeply meaningful to read memoirs about how other parents navigated extraordinary challenges. Their stories can inspire and guide us.

And yet, we must hold onto this truth just as firmly: every family is wholly unique, no less than Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, standing alone, entrusted with their own path, their own decisions, and their own sacred work.