When Your Child Turns on You: A Parenting Lesson from Moses

Every parent reaches this moment, and even though you know it’s expected, it still hits as a shock. At some point, your precious, sweet, adorable child will turn belligerent, resistant, and confrontational. Something will set them off. Maybe it will be something you say or do that starts the storm. Maybe it will be a reaction to someone else irritating them. But the frustration will boil over at you, the parent.

After the first gasp of disbelief, you're faced with the million-dollar question: What should you do? What’s the right way to respond?

Fortunately, we have a guide for parental reactions to disgruntled children in the Torah portion of Korach, Numbers 16:1–18:32. This section describes a revolt against Moses and Aaron’s leadership led by Korach and his followers. Their attack was both personal, “Why do you raise yourselves to positions of leadership above God’s congregation?”, and opportunistic, taking advantage of recent upsetting events to incite rebellion. “Is it not enough that you brought us from a land flowing with milk and honey to have us die in the wilderness, that you would also lord it over us?”

The attacks against Moses are particularly painful because they follow the previous Torah section, where Moses had just interceded with passionate prayer to save the people from destruction after the sin of the spies. He had sacrificed himself for the nation, and now they were rising up to attack his leadership. What was Moses’s response?

We would understand if Moses had answered this personal betrayal with an angry outburst or a plea to God to revoke His forgiveness and punish the rebels. But that isn’t what happened.

Instead, Moses responded in three key ways. First, he fell on his face. Jewish wisdom, as taught by the Rashbam, an eleventh-century Torah commentator, explains this to mean that he prayed, beseeching God for help and clarity. Second, he gave the rebels time to cool off. His first word was boker, meaning morning: “In the morning, God will make known who is His.” And third, Moses depersonalized the attack. He acknowledged that it was up to God—not Moses—to determine who should lead. He said that God would make it known whom He desires to serve Him.

These three responses, praying, delaying, and depersonalizing, are essential tools for parents when confronted by angry, upset children.

Praying

Just as God is a partner in the conception and birth of a child, He is also a partner in raising that child. Parents facing difficult moments should call on their Heavenly partner and ask for guidance, wisdom, patience, and insight. Parenting is a three-way partnership, and prayer helps us access the strength of that Third Partner.

Delaying

Nothing is resolved in the heat of the moment. Give your child time to cool off, and let emotions settle before addressing the issue. After a night of calm, both you and your child will be better equipped to repair the rupture and move forward with clarity and connection.

Depersonalizing

This may be the hardest of the three, but it is essential to wise parenting. We must try not to take our children’s attacks personally, even when we’re sure they were meant that way. No matter how deeply the words sting, we serve our children best when we can step back and respond without ego or hurt driving our reactions. By depersonalizing the moment, we give ourselves the ability to guide rather than react, and we give our children the space to recover and grow.

Praying, delaying, and depersonalizing—these three tools can transform the way we handle our most challenging parenting moments and help us guide our children from chaos to calm, from conflict to growth.