What Boys Need From Their Moms

One night, pregnant with our first child, I had the startling realization that the coming baby might be a boy, and I knew nothing about raising boys! I grew up with five sisters (and one brother) and attended all-girls schools. I had spent my life surrounded by girls and felt a little scared at the prospect of having sons who would bring frogs, worms, and mud into my world.

I was right to be nervous. I soon became the mother of a boy, then quite quickly another boy, and then another, all arriving within three years. Our house quickly became a boy house, and I knew I needed to learn how to be a boy mom.

I am not alone in my original discomfort. Many mothers find themselves out of their depths when their feminine natures rub up against their sons, who are wired quite differently than their moms. It is common for mothers to feel uneasy about the noise, competition, physicality, and ego surrounding them as their sons grow from adorable toddlers into masculine boys.

Yet, it is incredibly important for mothers to become comfortable with their sons’ boy energy, and for sons to feel their mothers’ acceptance and embrace of their masculine energy, rather than sensing her discomfort. In an age when phrases like “toxic masculinity” are everywhere, boy moms need to defend their sons’ masculinity, embrace their innate boyness, and learn how to guide and channel them into responsible manhood. Masculine energy explored the New World, sent rockets to the moon, and defended principles on battlefields and in boardrooms. It’s natural for moms to feel uncomfortable with certain aspects of their sons’ boyness (yes, I know they are loud and incredibly physical!), but we must work to overcome that discomfort, embrace our sons’ masculinity, and help them grow from boys into men.

Here I share with you some insights into what boys need from their parents along with practical ways you can help them channel their masculinity to grow into responsible, confident men.

Boys need space

When my daughters’ friends come over, we don’t need many chairs. The girls end up squashed together on one sofa, sitting on each other’s laps or curled up on the floor. But when the boys’ friends come over, they spread out through the whole room, filling every chair and sofa. Boys need space.

While an 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper may be fine for a girl’s painting project, your sons will thrive with extra-large, jumbo sheets. They will fill every inch with color. Order large rolls of paper and let your boys paint huge murals to hang on your doors and walls.

Boys need room to move, run, and explore. A large field with trees to climb will provide hours of fun. As soon as they are mature enough (which may be earlier than you expect), let them buddy up and go beyond your line of sight in parks and on trails—obviously in places you consider safe. Give them room to discover and roam. If your kids have watches, set a time for them to check in, starting with short increments and increasing them as they earn your trust. Boys crave adventure, and by giving them room to explore, you allow them to feel like men.

Boys need to slay dragons

From a very young age, boys want to achieve great things. You can nurture this by giving your sons big projects rather than small ones. They may need help breaking projects into steps, and more time to finish them, but they will thrive on being tasked with mulching the whole garden (all 75 bags!), painting an entire room, tiling a bathroom, or bringing in all the grocery bags especially if it feels like an impressive, manly challenge. Spend a few minutes brainstorming large projects your sons can tackle during summer break or through the year and let them loose! 

Boys need to be needed

Boys need to feel needed. Instead of casually asking for help carrying groceries or taking out the trash, tell your son you need his help because he is strong and the bags are heavy for you. It’s worth humbling yourself a little in how you ask, “I can only carry two bags at a time—look how many you’ve got!” to tap into his natural desire to be useful. Many moms naturally use cooperative language, asking for help because everyone in a family should help contribute to the home. There is nothing wrong with that, but some boys will respond better to requests that tap into their ego and drive to be needed. Their ego isn’t a character failing; it’s part of their masculine nature.

Give your boys real tools: start with tape measures, screwdrivers, and compasses, and as they mature, introduce pocket knives and eventually power tools. Teach them how to use them, then ask for help. Your sons will come running to save the day. Young boys can help mom by opening stubborn packages—give them their own keys to slit open taped boxes before they are ready for blades.

Boys need male role models

Boys need men they can look up to. Not every environment or activity should be co-ed. Give them time with boys and men who can inspire character and growth. Look around your neighborhood, family, and faith community for men who can be role models for your sons and find a way to build relationships between them. 

Choose books about boys and men who do great things. One of our favorite boy books (for ages 9–12) is Little Britches by Ralph Moody. Ralph learns from his father what it means to be a man of character and responsibility, with plenty of adventure and risk woven in. Seek out books that help you raise your son into a man. (I shared some boy book recommendations in Confessions of a Library Mom and am happy to suggest more. Just leave a comment!)

Boys need people to protect

Even young boys dislike feeling dependent; they much prefer taking care of others. This is a wonderful trait to nurture. Appoint them “men of the house,” responsible for killing bugs, carrying heavy packages, and protecting the family. When leaving them with a babysitter, let them know you are counting on them to be your partners in caring for everyone while you’re gone.

Boys thrive on competition and data

Boys love competition. Offer races to see who can finish a task first or most thoroughly, or encourage them to compete against themselves. Time your son getting dressed and see if he can beat his own record tomorrow. Many boys love data and visual charts, so print out graph paper to track how many dishes he washed or how long it took him to run around the yard. Chart the weather, their height, the length of their foot, or the width of their smile—boys love measuring things. Sometimes, a boy’s bragging sounds like boasting to a mother’s ears, but often it is simply his enjoyment of tracking progress and celebrating success. You can teach him the difference between healthy pride in his own accomplishments and putting others down in comparison, but don’t squelch his satisfaction with his own accomplishments.

Boys need risk

Boys have a developmental need to seek risk. When we create overly safe environments, they often seek out their own risks, (not always physical ones) which can end up being more dangerous.

Give your boys safe ways to experience risk. Let them climb the tallest part of the jungle gym. Don’t be too quick to pull them out of trees. Allow them to ride their bikes farther than you would prefer. They are going to seek thrills, and it is better and safer for them to do it under your guidance. Outdoor adventures, sports, and woodworking give boys the healthy challenge and excitement they crave.

More

Let me know if you’d like me to explore this topic further with you. There is a lot to unpack about boys' development and what they need from their moms. If you’re interested in learning more, let me know!

If you would like to read up on boys’ developmental needs, I found Michael Gurian’s books The Wonder of Boys, The Minds of Boys, and others insightful and helpful.

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