New Stage, New Strategy: Adapting Your Parenting As Your Child Grows

It seems to happen overnight. One day, you give your child a hug and they melt into you. The next, they bristle and move away from your touch. One day, your child happily walks beside you, talking a mile a minute. Suddenly, they prefer to walk ahead or behind, but definitely not by your side.

Many parents are surprised when the parenting style that worked for the first decade of their child’s life suddenly stops working. But in fact, this shift, far from being a catastrophe, signals their child’s growth into a new stage of development. Wise parents aren’t rigid; they are flexible and continually adapt their approach to meet their child’s changing needs.

This lesson is powerfully taught in the Torah portion of Chukas, Numbers 19:1–22:1, through the enigmatic story of Moses and the rock. Hashem commanded Moshe (Moses) to speak to the rock to bring forth water for the people. Inexplicably, Moshe struck the rock instead. The rock did produce water, but this act led to the decree that Moses would not lead the nation into the Land of Israel.

There is much to explore here, but let’s focus on one striking contrast.

A remarkably similar event took place forty years earlier, at the start of the nation’s journey through the desert. At that time, in Exodus 17:6, Hashem did command Moshe to strike the rock to produce water. Why was hitting the rock the correct action then, but the wrong one now?

The answer lies in the different phases of the people themselves. Forty years earlier, the Jewish people had just emerged from centuries of harsh slavery. They were only beginning to form a spiritual identity. At that stage, they still understood the rough, physical language of servitude. Hitting and physical action were appropriate.

But now, a new generation stood before Moshe. They had spent their entire lives surrounded by miracles, sustained by a spiritual existence, and guided by Moshe’s leadership. This generation was poised to enter the Land of Israel—a land that responds to subtle spiritual behaviors. They didn’t need more lessons in physical force. They needed to learn that spiritual tools like speech could shape reality. That’s why Hashem said, in essence, "Because you hit the rock rather than speaking to it, you will not lead the people into the Land." The nation needed a different style of leadership, even to achieve the same result.

Whether it’s an easygoing baby turning into a determined toddler, a clinging toddler growing into independence, a sociable child shifting into a more private adolescent, or a teen maturing into young adulthood, children are always growing. And they need their parents to grow with them.

Has your child shifted into a new stage without warning? Are you still parenting from an outdated playbook? Don’t give up. You can easily learn to adjust your parenting to meet your child’s current needs with the right guidance.

For a comprehensive guide to becoming the parent your 2–5 year old needs, check out Nurturing Toddlers, my self-paced course that unlocks the mysteries of temperament, bedtime, meals, and more.

If you want to reset your relationship with your 5–10 year old—releasing the role of family policeman while increasing calmness, connection, and cooperation—my video Parenting For Children to Listen is for you.

And if your child is entering adolescence, or already there and you feel stuck in an outdated role, Thriving with Teenagers will help you move forward with confidence and joy.