The Sukkah of Security: What a Temporary Hut Teaches Us About Lasting Connection
- Rebecca Masinter
- Oct 9
- 4 min read
This week, Jews around the world celebrate the holiday of Sukkot, the Feast of Tabernacles. For seven days, we eat, relax, and spend time with our families in special booths called sukkot. (The singular form is sukkah—and the photo below is my family’s sukkah!)
The sukkot remind us of the temporary shelters the Jewish people lived in during their forty years in the wilderness, as well as of the Divine Clouds of Glory that surrounded and protected them throughout their journey.
Although a sukkah is a temporary, flimsy structure, open to the wind and weather, it is, paradoxically, a place of safety and security.
“For in the day of evil He shall hide me in His pavilion.”— Psalm 27
Every day during the High Holy Days and Sukkot, Jews recite this verse, yet the Hebrew word for “pavilion” is actually sukkah.
A sukkah would never pass an engineering inspection. It has no real structural integrity. Yet it embodies security—not because of its walls, but because of the Divine presence within it. Ancient Jewish wisdom calls the shade of the sukkah tzila demehemenusa, the “shadow of faith.”
The message of the sukkah is clear: true security comes from relationship with God. A person of faith can maintain serenity and safety no matter the storms of life, because their trust rests not in circumstances, but in their Heavenly Father.
The Sukkah as a Model for Parenting
The sukkah’s message is profoundly relevant for parents and children. A child’s security flows from the parent-child relationship, just as our security flows from God’s care.
When we nurture this bond, we are building invisible fortifications around our children’s hearts. As long as they feel connected to us, they can weather whatever happens in the world around them.
The Science of Security
Recently, I was flipping through old newspaper clippings and came across a Wall Street Journal article by Alison Gopnik titled “The Key to Raising a Confident Child.” It reported on a fascinating study that beautifully illustrates the principle of relational security.
In the classic psychological experiment, rats are placed in a maze. When they take one particular route, they receive a mild electric shock. Unsurprisingly, the next time they’re in the maze, they avoid that route.
The problem is that if rats (or people) always avoid anything unpleasant, they never learn, explore, or discover. There must be a mechanism that allows young creatures to explore new pathways even after negative experiences. What enables that courage?
In 2006, Professor Regina Sullivan of New York University found the answer. She repeated the rat maze experiment, but this time with young rats instead of adults. The result? The young rats actually preferred the path that shocked them—as long as their mothers were with them.
The mother’s presence provided enough security for the young rat to tolerate pain in the pursuit of exploration and growth.
A few years later, in 2019, Professor Nina Tottenham of Columbia University and Professor Sullivan recreated this experiment with preschool children. (Don’t worry! They didn’t use shocks.)
The children were shown two shapes, one paired with a loud, unpleasant noise. Later, they were invited to crawl through one of two tunnels, each marked by one of the shapes.
When their parents were absent, the children avoided the tunnel associated with the noise. But when their parents were present, they actually preferred that tunnel.
Just like the young rats, the children’s security in their parents’ presence gave them courage to face discomfort in order to explore.
Children don’t draw courage from easy circumstances—they draw it from secure relationships.
The Secure Base of Relationship
External realities don’t determine a child’s experience nearly as much as their relationship with their parents does.
Our children can endure scrapes, disappointments, and even global upheavals if they feel securely connected to us. Anxiety and fear arise not so much from difficult circumstances as from a lack of inner safety.
The attachment relationship gives a child a secure base from which to explore the world, risks and challenges included. The parent-child bond is a sukkah: a fragile-looking but deeply protective space built from love and presence.
Building Your Child’s Sukkah of Security
Our primary task as parents is to build and maintain a relationship that offers the same intrinsic security as a sukkah.
Here are two simple yet powerful techniques I learned from Dr. Gordon Neufeld that can help strengthen that connection:
1. Offer your child attention before they ask for it and give more than they ask for.
I know this can sound impossible, especially if you have a child who seems to have an endless need for attention. But if you can catch a moment before your child calls for you, perhaps with a surprise hug, a wink, or a small kindness, you’ll fill their love tank before it runs dry.
And when they do ask—say, for a kiss or a story—surprise them by offering more: “How about two stories tonight?” It may sound counterintuitive, but meeting your child’s need before it turns into a demand and with more than they seek often saves time (and tears) in the long run.
2. Give your child a way to hold on to you even when you’re apart.
Separations are hard for young children, yet they’re inevitable. You can help your child feel secure by giving them something tangible that represents your presence.
When my children were little, I would offer them a stuffed animal from my bed and ask them to take care of “Mommy’s animal” until morning. They couldn’t hug me all night, but by hugging something of mine, they felt connected and safe.
Before preschool, you might let your child wear Dad’s cap or stick a smiley face sticker in their pocket, small reminders that say, “We belong to each other, even when we’re apart.”
Building a Sukkah of Faith and Family
Just as the sukkah shelters us with faith, the parent-child bond shelters a child with love.
When we offer our attentive presence, relationship, and connection, we give our children what no structure or strategy alone can offer: the unshakable security of relationship.
Bonus Resource
In my video class, Parenting for Children to Listen, I share foundational principles for building the kind of parent-child relationship that fosters both security and cooperation.
I hope you’ll view it for more insights to help you strengthen your connection and build a strong sukkah of relationship around your children.
Just wonderful! Love how you tie the theoretical to the practical!
Loved this. Thank you!