Trials and Tribulations: Trauma or Triumph?

What would it be like if we could give our children a perfect childhood? Many mothers dream of being perfect, with the correct responses, tones, and reactions to every parenting dilemma. Parents strive to give their children a magical childhood, aiming to avoid their own parents’ mistakes. Imagine for a moment that you were the world’s most perfect parent, giving your child everything experts suggest and shielding them from all mistakes and frustrations. What would that look like? 

I have news for you. A perfect childhood would yield a disastrous adulthood. A child raised by perfect parents would be ill equipped to handle reality, flawed people, and difficult circumstances. Even more catastrophically, a child who never witnessed his parents work to make wise decisions, struggle for self-control, acknowledge their mistakes, and strive to repair them, will be devastated by his own inevitable errors. This child of perfection won’t be able to deal with personal challenges or persevere through life’s frustrations.

We often think that difficult periods are frustrating interruptions to normal life. In truth, they are the purpose of life. We consider our life’s work is what we accomplish when daily routines run smoothly, but the truth is that our greatest accomplishments are achieved during times of disruption and challenge. 

This week’s Torah portion, Parshas Vayeira (Genesis 18:1 - 22:24) focuses on Avraham (Abraham), the father of Judaism and all monotheistic religions. Avraham spent his life spreading knowledge of God around the known world and arguably influenced the world more than any other human in history. Yet, ancient Jewish wisdom tells us that Hashem (God) tested Avraham with ten daunting trials culminating with the instruction to sacrifice his beloved son, Yitzchak (Isaac) at the end of this week’s Parsha (Torah portion). What was the point of these tests? Why didn’t God leave Avraham alone to continue spreading His name in the world instead of interrupting his work with difficult trials?

Rabbi Moshe ben Nachman, (Spanish Torah scholar in the 1200s, known as Ramban or Nachmonides) reveals to us an astounding principle. He writes that personal trials aren’t in our lives to trip us up or derail us from living our greatest life. Instead, they are the most powerful catalysts for actualizing human potential. A human being has tremendous potential for greatness, but too often our potential lies dormant. Adversity and challenges help us actualize our good intentions and transform our latent potential into reality. Abraham’s life wasn’t disrupted by his trials, rather his trials made him great. This is true personally and societally. The Greatest Generation grew from Depression era children and World War II adolescents. Those struggles didn’t derail their lives, they transformed their lives. As Victor Frankl, the noted Austrian psychiatrist, said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” 

Instead of the rough realities people have always faced, our generation expects comfort and fun. Parents and educators focus on making children’s experiences painless and easy. We have trained our youth to think of adversity as bad and challenging experiences as traumatic. Is it any wonder we’re facing an anxiety epidemic? Challenging experiences aren’t terrible, they are the path to growth and development.

We don’t need to invent difficulties for our children, but neither must we shield them from reality. It is okay for a child to have a tough teacher. It is okay for them to lose a game. It is okay to ask our children to behave respectfully even when they’re feeling miserable. It is okay to expect our children to participate in family chores. Through facing disappointments, interacting with challenging people, and struggling to achieve, our children will grow. Resilience doesn’t come from coddling. 

Parents needn’t feel guilty for being imperfect, nor should they feel bad when their children run into disappointments or difficulties. On the contrary, parents should tell their children that people grow into greatness by working through challenges. When a child goes through a tough stage, it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with them, only that they are growing. Instead of catastrophizing struggles, parents can normalize them for their children and reframe challenges as growth catalysts. Childhood isn’t meant to be perfect because life is never easy. As they go through life, our children will be faced with both minor and major challenges. A parent’s job is to prepare our children to meet those challenges as growth opportunities, not debilitating traumas.