Relationship First. Instruction Second.
- 1 day ago
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We’re all searching for the parenting elixir, the magic formula that will transform chaotic mornings and exhausting evenings into calm, connection, and clarity: the secret recipe that changes cranky, argumentative children into cheerful and cooperative youth.
All of that can be found in the holiday of Shavuot, which begins Thursday evening, the 3338th anniversary of the most critical event in world history: the giving of the Torah on Mt. Sinai.
The Jewish nation arrived at Mt. Sinai on the first day of the month of Sivan in preparation to receive the Torah. But before that could happen, something pivotal took place. On the second day of Sivan, before the Torah was given, Hashem told Moshe to tell the people:
“So shall you say to the house of Yaakov and tell the children of Israel.”
Shemot/Exodus 19:3
Jewish tradition explains that the first clause, “say to the house of Yaakov,” instructs Moshe to speak first to the women, the cornerstone of the home, before continuing on to address the men, the children of Israel.
Years ago, I learned from my teacher and principal, Rabbi Myer Schwab, that the grammatical structure of the Hebrew word וְתַגֵּ֖יד, “and tell,” reveals a hidden meaning within this message.
The Hebrew word can mean both “you shall tell,” directed to Moshe, and grammatically, “and she shall tell.”
Hashem tells Moshe: “So shall you say to the house of Yaakov,” and she will then pass it on and tell the children of Israel. Give this message to the women first, and they will transmit it to everyone else.
What is this message that Jewish women are entrusted to teach?
Not yet the Ten Commandments.
Not yet the full scope of the 613 commandments.
Not yet the details of Torah observance.
First comes something even more fundamental.
“You saw what I did in Egypt, how I carried you on eagle’s wings and brought you to Me. And now, if you listen to My voice and uphold My covenant, you shall be to Me a treasured nation among all peoples…” Shemot/Exodus 19:4-5
Before Torah comes relationship.
Hashem first reminds His people:
I carried you.
I cared for you.
I brought you close to Me.
You are treasured to Me.
Only afterward comes the instruction of how to live.
God told Moshe to speak to the women first because the foundation of Torah is not simply obligation. It is relationship. Women, who often instinctively understand the fundamental importance of relationships, were entrusted to hear this message first and then model and teach it to those around them. Only once we feel Hashem’s love and commitment toward us are we ready to fully commit ourselves to Him.
And the same is true in our families.
Sometimes we fall into the trap of believing that successful parenting is primarily about enforcing rules, correcting behavior, and managing consequences. All of that matters, but children flourish most when obedience grows out of connection.
If we want our children to listen to us, trust us, and accept our guidance, our first focus cannot simply be control. It must be connection.
And when connection is strong, cooperation comes far more naturally.
This does not mean we lower expectations or avoid setting boundaries. Torah certainly does not do that. But it does remind us of the proper order.
Relationship first.
Instruction second.
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