He’s Home, But He’s Miserable — Now What?

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Hi, my question is about how to balance friend time versus family time especially in the summer when all the kids want to be together.

If my son's friends are getting together every single night, he comes home from camp and wants to go right back out to be with them. If I set up specific friend vs family nights I sometimes have to make exceptions of the family has other stuff going on or friend group is doing something special. So it's difficult to be consistent, which I think makes for extreme frustration on his end when he's planning on being with friends and I don't let him. Also I have lots of other small kids, so nights I want him home I can't necessarily sit around and just give him attention or do an activity with him. So then he's home, but miserable and also not interacting with the family. So is that really a positive? How do I make him want to be home??

 

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Hi,

Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful, relatable question! I’ll kick off the discussion with a few reflections, and invite others to join in too.

Here are a few ideas that might help you find clarity and confidence in your decision-making or at least to start our conversation:

Clarify Your Goals to Guide Your Decisions

Do you want your son home some nights specifically for family bonding? Or are there other goals—like rest, decompression, or winding down—that are just as important?

For instance, in our house, I sometimes keep my son home after camp not primarily for together time, but because I believe he needs downtime to recharge. Even if he’s initially grumpy and we don’t do anything “special” beyond prepping dinner together, I often notice a shift in his energy toward calm and connection as the night goes on. That helps me stay confident in my decision.

But if your only goal is family connection, and your son is home but disengaged, that time may not feel meaningful. Your intentions matter, so it’s helpful to get clear on what you’re aiming for.

If family bonding is the priority, you might try planning a low-key “Family Camp” night once or twice a week. It could be cookie decorating, a board game, a group Lego build (we love the flower kits where everyone can work on a piece), or a craft activity. If you’re doing this occasionally, maybe you can hire help for your younger kids, wait until they’re asleep, or trade off with your spouse so one of you can be present with the older ones.

Clarify What You’re Actually Deciding

Are you aiming for a firm rule like “No friend hangouts after 7:30” or “Tuesdays are family nights,” or do you want the flexibility to decide on a case-by-case basis?

Either approach is valid. The key is to know what you want, so you can explain it clearly and confidently. Ambiguity often leads to tension and pushback, not because the rule is wrong, but because it’s confusing.

Communicate the Decision at the Right Time

Share your plans when everyone is calm, connected, and not in the heat of the moment. You don’t need to overexplain or debate your reasoning, especially if it tends to lead to arguments. A simple, respectful statement is often best:

“I know how much you love hanging out with your friends after camp, and I love that you have such a great group. But Daddy and I have decided to make a change for the next few weeks. Some nights you’ll go out, and other nights we’re asking you to stay home and hang out with the family.”

Since it sounds like your son often makes his own plans, you could proactively problem-solve with him. Maybe he can start responding to invitations with: “I have to check with my mom. If tonight doesn’t work, what about tomorrow?” Or maybe you ask that all after-camp plans be made once kids get home and check in with parents.

Stay Calm and Consistent

Once you’ve shared your plan, stick with it as consistently as possible. If a child senses that sulking or pushing can change your mind, they’ll keep trying, sometimes with explosive intensity. 

The more you calmly hold to whatever decisions you’ve made for your kids, the more they will learn to trust that you mean what you say, and the sooner they will adjust to your decisions.

Holding calm, firm boundaries, especially around emotionally charged issues, helps kids feel safer over time, even if they don’t show it right away.

Watch for the Emotional Shift

When kids are resisting a new limit, their first emotion is usually frustration, which can look like arguing or shouting and lead to anger. But when they begin to accept the reality, you’ll often see sadness instead—tears, quiet, a softer posture. That’s a sign they’re processing the change, and it’s the beginning of emotional adaptation.

You Can’t Make Him Happy—But You Can Still Do What’s Right

It’s hard to see your child unhappy, especially when you’ve made a choice you believe is best. But your job isn’t to make every evening cheerful. It’s to guide your family based on your values and your child’s deeper needs—even when the short-term reaction is tough.

If you’ve reflected on your goals, communicated clearly, and made space for emotional adjustment, then you can trust yourself. Most kids will adjust within a few days or weeks, especially if the adults stay grounded and calm.

Of course, if his distress persists or escalates, you can always revisit the plan. But chances are good that with consistency and clarity, he’ll find his footing and maybe even grow to enjoy those family nights.