I clearly remember feeling lonely as a young mother when my parenting decisions seemed starkly different from my friends’. All other children in our neighborhood started preschool at three, but my kids didn’t. Other moms would bring their babies with them to evening functions while I stayed home night after night to put my babies to sleep with their normal routine. Other families enrolled their kids in summer day camps while I ran Mommy Camp. I wish someone had told me that trailblazing your family’s unique path, while albeit sometimes lonesome, is an inherent part of mothering. I wish I had known then that every other young mother was feeling equally alone in her decisions, because parenting is a lonely occupation.
Animals frequently travel in herds, moving in sync to a nearby water source or along a migratory route. Birds fly in groups and often rise up from a tree or settle down to roost simultaneously for no observable reason. Animals follow each other instinctively, while humans, although we live amongst each other, stand individually responsible for our decisions and actions. Thoughtful, intentional living requires us to evaluate our options, choosing the ones that align with our values or priorities, regardless of whether they match our neighbors’ choices. This is true for each individual, and even more so for parents making decisions for their families.
This week’s Torah portion, Lech Lecha, (Genesis 12:1-17:27) begins with God commanding Avraham (Abraham), “Go for yourself from your land… to the place I will show you.” Avraham was the father of monotheism, a man who stood in direct opposition to the beliefs of the entire world. Our introduction to him is with the words “Go for yourself”. Go stand alone. Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch, (Orthodox rabbi and leader of German Jewry in the 1800’s), teaches that this command to act alone is the defining principle of Abraham’s life and the Jewish people’s destiny. It is in fact, a guiding principle for all people of integrity and intentionality. When we consider our goals and make choices that reflect them, we are by definition doing it as an individual or an individual family unit. At times this may seem lonely, but the feeling of loneliness reminds us that we aren’t sheep in a herd, but human beings of principle and autonomy.
Parents can and should look to others for input and guidance before making decisions, but the final decision is theirs alone. Leadership requires courage and courage requires willingness to go alone, or go for yourself. When your child complains that everyone else’s mom lets them do something you don’t, accept it as a compliment and a testament to your parenting leadership. Strong parents make decisions that reflect their family’s values, and those choices are occasionally different from other families' choices. Doing something differently than “everybody else” isn’t a flaw, it is a condition for authentic, principled living.
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Determine your toddler's individual and developmental needs
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Minimize tantrums and opposition
I love this. It is so true that doing what you feel is best for you or your family, even when it isn't what everyone else is doing, can be hard to do but can be the most rewarding as well.