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End the Struggle: Practical Solutions to Help Your Child Stay Calm and Controlled

I was once in a grocery store late at night when I noticed a toddler screaming uncontrollably. The child’s mother was visibly frustrated and angry, raising her own voice in response to her child’s outburst. While I couldn’t ignore the fact that it was well past the toddler’s bedtime—far beyond the time when any child could be expected to regulate their emotions—I was particularly struck by the mother’s harsh reaction. Her behavior reminded me of a question I’ve long wrestled with regarding the ten plagues in the Torah portion Va'eira (Exodus 6:2-9:35).


In this passage, Pharaoh repeatedly refuses to release the Jewish people, despite enduring the plagues sent by God. However, at a certain point, God intervenes, hardening Pharaoh's heart and strengthening his resolve to continue opposing Moses. The question arises: If God hardened Pharaoh's heart, how could he be punished for his continued defiance? Was Pharaoh at fault for refusing to release the Jews when supernatural forces were effectively preventing him from relenting? This situation seems similar to a mother punishing a child for screaming when the circumstances—the time of night and the child's exhaustion—are largely beyond the child’s control.


Maimonides’ Insight on Free Will and Responsibility

The Rambam (Maimonides) offers a profound answer to this dilemma, one that can also provide valuable insights into parenting. According to the Rambam, Pharaoh initially had free will. In the early stages of the plagues, the Torah makes it clear that Pharaoh hardened his own heart. Only after Pharaoh repeatedly rejected the opportunity to change did God step in and further solidify his obstinacy. In other words, Pharaoh’s refusal to release the Israelites was not solely the result of Divine intervention. It was a consequence of his own decisions, which eventually led him to lose the ability to choose freely.


This concept applies to more than just Pharaoh. People who repeatedly make poor decisions may eventually lose the power to consciously choose how to act. They become trapped in patterns of behavior they no longer control.


Parenting and the Loss of Free Will

On a smaller scale, we all experience situations where we act in ways that limit our ability to make good decisions. For instance, skipping meals or losing sleep can cause us to respond in ways we later regret. We may start with good intentions, but choices we make that have natural consequences — such as hunger or fatigue—can limit our self-control, leading to behavior we don’t consciously choose.


Children, however, are especially vulnerable to losing their ability to regulate their behavior. A toddler who is exhausted at midnight may have no control over their emotional outburst. Just like Pharaoh, the child has reached a point where they have lost the ability to make good choices.


Creating a Framework for Success

Parents have the power to help their children maintain their self-control by creating an environment that sets them up for success. A child who is sensitive to loud noises may need earplugs at noisy events to help them stay calm. A child who thrives on routine needs a predictable schedule. By identifying the factors that contribute to a child losing control, parents can reduce stressors and make it easier for their children to regulate their emotions.


It’s essential to recognize that every child is different. Some children may reach a breaking point more easily than others. When children do reach the point of losing control, it’s important not to try to reason with them or impose consequences in the heat of the moment. At that time, effective parenting is about providing stability, support, and calm, while allowing the child the space to recover.


Once both parent and child are calm, follow-up conversations can take place. In the long run, the goal is to help the child retain their ability to make good choices, just as Pharaoh might have if he had made different decisions earlier.


Final Thoughts

The key to helping children thrive is providing the framework within which they can flourish. Parents can assist by establishing routines, managing stressors, and offering a loving connection that supports their children’s best behavior. When children are well-rested, well-nourished, and in a supportive environment, they are far more likely to make the right choices.


Do you want to help your child flourish with specific, targeted strategies?

If you have children under five, check out my highly acclaimed course, Nurturing Toddlers

and learn to give your child exactly what they need to thrive.


Start Your Family Off Right!
Start Your Family Off Right!

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