You Don’t Have to Agree to Parent as Partners

“Dad, can I have extra computer time?”

If you’ve spent much time around kids, you probably know what’s happening. The child didn’t ask Mom because they intuitively know which parent is more likely to give the desired answer. This familiar dynamic may seem trivial, but it can become a painful source of conflict in marriage.

Each parent comes to parenting with their own opinions, shaped by their upbringing, temperament, and life experiences. When those differences aren’t worked through, a good-cop/bad-cop dynamic can develop. Or, just as painfully, parents can begin to feel alone and unsupported in their parenting decisions. Even worse, ongoing conflicting messages from parents can be confusing and damaging for children.

Parshas Ki Teitzei (Deuteronomy 21:10–25:19) lays out this dynamic for us in three consecutive commandments. The first concerns a soldier in battle who sees and desires a beautiful captive. The second regards a man who hates his wife. The third depicts the wayward and rebellious son. Ancient Jewish wisdom connects these three ideas, teaching that when a man marries a woman for her physical attributes rather than shared values, he may eventually come to hate her, which in turn can lead to rebellious children.

The Talmud teaches that throughout history there never was, nor will there ever be, a wayward and rebellious child as defined by this Torah passage. This commandment isn’t addressing specific families. Rather, the Torah is teaching us important principles that apply to all parents at all times, including the fundamental idea that it is dangerous to raise children when spouses don’t share a value system.

Poignantly, the Torah expresses this in the introductory verse (Deuteronomy 21:18): “If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son, who will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother…”

The child is being guided by two distinct voices: the voice of his father and the voice of his mother. Their messages aren’t aligned, and the child inevitably struggles.

Fortunately, many married couples do share basic moral values and are aligned on fundamental questions about life. Even so, challenges arise in the countless day-to-day decisions involved in raising children. It is inevitable that two people, raised in different homes and with different natures, will see many situations differently.

The key to building a family with harmony and unity is recognizing one transformative truth: Differences between spouses needn’t be sources of conflict. They can be opportunities for connection.

If I only see the world through my own eyes, my perspective is limited. If I can learn to see a situation through my husband’s eyes as well, and vice versa, we both gain a broader, deeper, truer vision.

Think about the way God created our eyes. With only one eye, we lack depth perception. It is only when two eyes see from slightly different perspectives that we can see in three dimensions.

There is nothing wrong with two parents who disagree. On the contrary, their differences can hold the potential for a greater, more complete outcome. The goal isn’t to eliminate those differences. It’s to work through them together.

And that work needs to happen privately, away from children’s eyes and ears. Then, when your child inevitably approaches one parent hoping for the more lenient answer, you can respond with confidence because you’ve already worked it out together. The child may be hearing Dad’s voice or Mom’s voice, but underneath it is one unified message: We are on the same team.

I know, I know. This is easier said than done.

Turning two distinct individuals into a unified parenting team takes work. It requires honest conversations, a willingness to understand your spouse’s perspective, and practical skills for navigating the inevitable disagreements.

That’s exactly why my husband and I created Parenting As Partners. In this course, we walk you through the conversations, decisions, and skills that can help you and your spouse move from parenting at odds with each other to parenting together with greater harmony and unity.

Because you don’t have to agree on everything to be strong parenting partners. You just need to learn how to work through your differences together.

If you want to feel more connected and confident as you lead your family together, I invite you to enroll in Parenting As Partners today. Your children don’t need two identical parents. They need parents who know how to become one strong, united team.

Enroll now here. 24 Hours Discount! Use code WELCOME15 for 15% off through August 20.